I Want To Take A Break (Doubtful)

It's been something like 10 months. I wrote about ~120,000 words according to Emacs, while navigating some challenges: finding safety from a predator, extremes of untreated (and unknown to me) bipolar disorder, working full time in a field I seem to disdain more and more each minute.

Only 10 months ago I started to read philosophy and write single-sitting first drafts, namely Weil. Also the stoics, but she and I share the same substrate.

I think it's reasonable to want a break. But I understand that I am inherently tortured by my nature, so we shall see how that goes.

I wish for the following:

To find God in the material realm.

I want to return back to geometry and algebra; to fractals; to cosmology. If I glimpse divine nature encoded into reality for a single second, then that is a bonus. The real value is in the attention I give to studies.

To return to the material realm.

I would like to live more. I have learned more about my cognition and how it works, beyond the realm of bipolar, and giving into my innate wiring has been incredible. For the first time lately, I fell into the deepest sleep in so long just from listening to train videos while I slept. I can't remember a previous time where I woke up truly rested and restored.

To read more.

I write more than I read, by far. I have only truly read Weil, and not even her more niche collections like The Intimations of Christianity. Everything else, aside from Seneca, have been dabblings here and there. I can only believe that the path to either the kingdom of truth or the kingdom of damnation can be found through the mechanism of reading. To stop oneself from self-exile, how do we know if the pursuit of truth is actually the pursuit of destruction…

To program more.

I really want to contribute towards the French government's efforts to migrate away from US big tech and towards data sovereignty. I contributed something minor to one project of theirs. This is a public good. I am extraordinary at innovative ideas, but I must improve my implementation. Computing is the creation of an explicit world of being through God's implicit world of being; computation is theology.

Last year was a period of extreme crisis. It was incredible. I welcome nothing more than for the light of this earth to shatter me and leave me atomized, only the essential bits remaining. I truly want to vanish from my own brain, to just live a domestic and tamed life, to be nothing more than a slave to the unnecessary derivations of this society. I wish I never needed to write (the only time I find clarity); I wish I never had this brain. But I find God in my own destruction.

To be honest, I likely will, either directly or indirectly, kill myself around the age of 65. I would much rather leave this world and return to the substrate, or if I am lucky God, at my own hands while the body is still capable. I can't imagine the harrowing futility of the mind trapped in an infirm body. Maybe I will change my mind these next 40 years. But if I keep on this track, I am sure I will find that I have lived multiple lifetimes in this short one.

Beauty.

Besides, to be in crisis by my own volition really is an act of privilege. We love to praise Weil, but she had wealthy parents to return to if all else failed. I have no one; I have nothing. To be fair, she did lie to her parents that she was eating well when she was hardly eating, and this was a few months before her death. She wrote of letting the natural stalk die, if necessary, to water the supernatural stalk. But she was only able to choose that path from a base of material security. She could find God in the laborer's destruction because of her own education and material net. I must generate the same for myself.

I likely will suffer deeply and end up writing more in just a week or so from this.

Let me have some shred of hope.

I am going to go clean my house now.

…

I hope all is well for you.