And It Was Good

There must be something inherent in this world, something descriptive of what is, and I must find it. I live so I may fulfill this search.

This is the only thing that matters.

…

Have you ever looked at a math problem and felt the problem itself grasp your soul with its hands and guide you closer to it?

That feeling of standing at the precipice of the solution - this is how I feel.

The human destiny: the struggle for meaning against an indifferently joyous world, disparate interior universes who are woven together through the stitches of suffering, fleeting grace which may never arrive.

"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."

"All is indifferent, and all is indifferent, and all manner of thing shall be indifferent." The antidote to existential despair. We must kill the idea of death, for we cannot die. Only reconfigure.

All derivations are linked to some constitution.

A chain of links: logos, Necessity, being, consciousness, individual action. Each part dependent on the previous. The mystery of existence: why something rather than nothing?

We operate in gravity's realm of derivation. Who we become renders self-aligned actions onto the world we inhabit, or the perspective of coherence.

In this sense, derivative things can also be constitutive. Like all chains: interiorly bidirectional. Grace is the miracle of a derivative link constituting the previous link.

Upwards movement.

The dehumanized hardly have the capability to receive grace. The molding of beings into the oppressor's vision, or the colonization of their universe. If the oppressed man is only tethered to this universe by biological necessity, can you truly expect him to revolt? Most revolts only happen when that biological necessity is threatened.

He, like most, somehow have a drive for life.

Isn't it cruel that biology forces him to want life even when he is exiled from his own humanity?

I must remind myself that the material world, our substrate, is morally indifferent and not somehow stained.

Contradictions are generative insofar you allow the discursive intelligence to be crushed: the gateway to truth wrenches the heart.

Of this life I have lived so far, I have only known extreme suffering. I would say that I scarcely have felt much joy, outside of particular episodes. I have never found this material life worth living, and still I don't. What could ever be redemptive about our horizontal substrate of scarcity?

The only thing that redeems life against extreme suffering is grace. The vertical axis of ontology, the only plane which can reconstitute what phenomenological events truly mean.

Consider this substrate:

(define test-events
  (list (event 'e1 '() "born into difficult circumstances" 'suffering)
        (event 'e2 '(e1) "parent's cruelty" 'suffering)
        (event 'e3 '(e2) "moment of recognition" 'grace)
        (event 'e4 '(e3) "chronic illness" 'suffering)
        (event 'e5 '(e4) "betrayal by trusted person" 'suffering)
        (event 'e6 '(e5) "unexpected kindness" 'joy)
        (event 'e7 '(e6) "daily mundane struggle" 'neutral)))

The suffering person ordinarily interprets this substrate as mostly painful:

(define result-ordinary (fold-events ordinary-reducer '() test-events))
;; (meaningless fleeting-pleasure despair despair ignored despair despair)

The same man, given grace and the miracle of the vertical plane, can ascend with broken wings:

(define result-grace (fold-events grace-reducer '() test-events))
;; (present-moment gift calls-for-justice calls-for-justice received calls-for-justice calls-for-justice)

(define result-grace-after-ordinary (fold-events grace-after-ordinary-reducer '() test-events))
;; (present-moment meaningless gift fleeting-pleasure calls-for-justice despair calls-for-justice despair received ignored calls-for-justice despair calls-for-justice despair)

Given these two reducers, R₁ and R₂, because R₁ ∘ R₂ ≠ R₂ ∘ R₁, each person's fold over necessity constitutes truly different universes. Social life is the collision of such universes.

Healing from trauma is not the removing of your ailments, but rather the coexistence of vertical transformation alongside those wounds. Contradictions that pierce our husk.

That biological drive has kept me alive so far. But after the work on the vertical plan for about 9 months now, I consider my life redeemed.

I only am here out of mundane necessity rather than choice. This is somehow beautiful: Julian of Norwich's quote.

We live forever on the horizontal plane. We can never experience death, only dying.

If I were to die right now, I would happily experience who I call "David" dissolve and close my eyes, for I experienced the human destiny. This "David" may dissolve and can no longer fold over the vertical plane, but his universe remains… Our essence woven into the eternal human experience.

I keep thinking that if God were to have, before my conception, created my consciousness and gave me the choice to enter life or stay in the void, I would choose to live and then immediately regret that decision.

Non-existence is preferable to existence, but I aim to stay here as long as I can. Why not?

In the beginning of God's creation of the heavens and the earth.

Now the earth was astonishingly empty, and darkness was on the face of the deep, and the spirit of God was hovering over the face of the water.

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.

And God saw the light that it was good, and God separated between the light and between the darkness.

Freedom is through the vertical axis.