Feeling So Alone

As time progresses, my ideas and thoughts crystallize and it feels like they orientate closer towards truth every writing. I have been writing for about seven months now, and it still feels like no matter the way I package my ideas no one is there to receive them.

There is no greater joy in life to me than to read and write, and it feels like each thing I produce gets me closer to who I was ought to be. Everything I produce is an act of agency, proof that I am human and that I am an individual. To act with agency is to impose your own will onto your world; it is to say that 'this is who I am'.

But when I discuss my ideas and share my writings with people, I only get shallow engagement: "Oh, that's a good idea."; "True"; "Your writing is so smart!; and my favorite of them all "You're being psychotic" (if I explore the same ideas from the same lens for seven months, are they really from a state of psychotic features?)

I went on a walk today after feeling this suffocating weight in my stomach, that feeling of truly being isolated, and it was nice. The sun sets early here in Oregon during the winter, and I walked around a track admiring the last proof of sunlight, watching the dark blue sky fade into a still black. I thought to myself, "Oh, but it takes so much effort to receive my thoughts. It's difficult."

This very empathetic idea teared at my insides! Yes, it's difficult. But am I not worth the struggle?

Am I nothing more than some 'smart' guy, some intense weirdo, some strange person?

It truly feels like anything that takes any amount of effort is just avoided at all costs!

I have friends I appreciate deeply, but it is shocking at how low their ability to comprehend simple texts are! You don't even need to engage with all the intricate details as long as you follow the main ideas, but even they can't find the ability to summarize a political text.

Medicine feels the same way too, which is worse to me. "Oh, you have this symptom? Let's prescribe this medication. Oh, you also have this symptom? Let's try this too."

They seem to never ask for the root cause!

It feels like the most people are willing to do is pattern match things against their knowledge. If that was enough for effective treatment, I could be a psychiatrist after studying medications and the DSM for just a few months!

I think the fact that everyone seems to struggle in engaging thoughtfully with my ideas makes me wonder if I am the problem. There is some classical statement about if everyone else sucks, then you are probably the one that sucks.

But it truly does feel like no matter in what ways I package my ideas, even when I make them hyper-linear and simple, they never understand them. I try to write everything so that anyone can engage with it if they wish to spend slight effort, because I believe gating ideas behind language is a moral failure. But by the standards of most people I am failing.

I have one coworker who can follow my technical ideas which feels good, so surely I must not be the problem? If I am, then sorry.

I'm left here sitting in the dark Oregon night at 6:04 PM (how early), feeling that there is no one in this world capable of supporting me in the way I need.

This feeling of truly being alone, borderline incapable of being understood by the people that matter, is a new level of despair for me.

It feels like who I am and what society is built for is incompatible.